You know it's an emotional night when you can't stop singing. Sigh... So the entry will be organized by song.
"You move me. You give me courage I didn't know I had. You move me. I can't go with you, Lord, and stay where I am and so you move me." Susan Ashton
You Move Me
I officially move out of my apartment tomorrow. I'm turning in my keys and everything. It's weird. I finished cleaning it all tonight before I left L.A. It looked exactly the way it did when I first moved in. It broke my heart, in a way. I just couldn't believe that era of my life that was Corsica #6 was over. It was incredible how much I went through this year in that apartment. I remember the very first night I spent there. Er rather, I was supposed to spend there but I partied to hard and spent it at Ben's and did the walk of shame home to find Dennis on my futon. I remember the beginning of the year when I actually had time to cook real meals. We had a girls night in and I made adobo and cheesy potatoes. SOOO yummy. I remember having to lower tinikling sticks from the balcony every Wed. for Dance Troupe practice. I remember having Rudy come over every once in a while, depending on whether or not we were seeing each other at the time. I remember coming home from a job interview to find the apartment empty, and then breaking down crying because I realized I wasn't over Rudy after all. Our apartment was social. Everyone came over for food, conversation, gossip, or just to say hi. There were good and bad times. There were awesome and awkward times. It was a crazy year. It makes me sad to know that things change; and it surprises me how fast it happens. There it is. My empty apartment. A year of my life. Just like that.
"Love is joy and love is pain. It's kissing in the rain. It's doing dishes when it's late, isn't it baby? It's the art of compromise. It's hellos and long goodbyes. It's the picture of our lives. Isn't it crazy?" Joy Williams
I'm In Love With You
Yeah. It is crazy. Love is fucking ridiculous. It's funny. A close friend of mine is falling in love, and he confides in me a lot. I'm very happy for him. I wish him the best, and I am always here to listen. But it's hard. I hear him talk about his new love, and it sounds just like me when I first fell in love with...yeah. I mean VERBATIM! Just yesterday he said about his new girl "I love her so much. There's such a connection that it HAS to work." I said that. Many times. I said it out of happiness when things first started, and I used it as a rationalization for holding on when things began to fall apart.
I see where my friend is in his relationship, and I look at where I am. He's ecstatic. They never get tired of each other. You eat, sleep, and breathe your connection. I did that too before. Now I'm begging god to hold everything together beyond any reasonable belief that it could ever work out. That's what love can do to you.
It's been a difficult summer for me and love. I've really been thinking it over in my head, what do I really believe about Love? I haven't gotten it all down yet. But all I know is love can be a beautiful, terrible thing. Or a terribly beautiful thing. Or a beautifly terrible thing. I guess it all depends on what it wants to be and do for you at that moment.
"Say goodbye, say goodbye to the one I knew before. Say hello, say hello to a new beginning. Say goodbye, say goodbye to the one I knew before. This is your Genesis." Joy Williams
Say Goodbye
I want to start over. Not completely. I'm still me. But I feel like my life has hit a dead end routine. I go through classes kinda, haha, i work, i have friends, theres the Filipino club thing. But like, I've just hit a wall. New goals:
NO Boys
Don't ditch class
NETWORK!
Join something new, for fun
Make yourself pretty in the morning. Or at least comb your hair, for God's sake (ahah the other day, I climbed into the van for chuch, and I JUST rolled out of bed. Daddy took one look at me and handed me a comb).
I just want something new. I'm growing up a little and graduating soon. This was a hard summer for me, thinking about love and stress with work, and just emotions in general. I just want to start fresh.
That's all I can put into words for now. There's just a lot going on in my head. Maybe more to come later? I don't know. Later ladies. I miss you all very much.
Madonna
Mary
Suzanne
